Have you ever argued with someone who flatly denies ever saying something, even though you could swear on a stack of textbooks they did? Or maybe you’ve been told you’re “too sensitive” for being upset about something very real? If you’ve ever felt like your perception of reality is being twisted, you might be experiencing gaslighting.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that chips away at your sense of reality. It’s a deliberate strategy where someone makes you question your own memories, judgment, and sanity. Imagine someone hiding your keys, then denying they ever existed when you can’t find them. That’s a gaslighting tactic, though usually it’s more subtle.
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Why Do People Gaslight?
The reasons people gaslight can vary. Sometimes it’s about gaining power and control in a relationship. The gaslighter might enjoy the feeling of having you doubt yourself, or they might be trying to manipulate you into doing what they want. In other cases, gaslighting might be a way to avoid blame or accountability for their actions.
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The Psychology of Gaslighting
Gaslighting works because it preys on our natural desire for trust and validation. We want to believe the people close to us, and when they deny our reality, it can be incredibly confusing. Over time, gaslighting can erode your self-esteem and make you dependent on the gaslighter for your sense of truth.
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Here are Some Common Gaslighting Tactics
Denial
The gaslighter flat-out denies things they said or did, leaving you questioning your memory. For example You tell your partner you specifically asked them to pick up milk. They scoff and say, “Absolutely not! You must be thinking of something else.” Suddenly, you’re questioning yourself. Did you really ask, or are you imagining things?
Trivialization
They minimize your feelings, making you feel like you’re overreacting to something unimportant. For example You express your discomfort about a situation at work. Your friend dismisses it with, “Oh, come on, you’re being too sensitive. They were just joking.” This makes you feel like your feelings are unimportant and you should just “get over it.”
Shifting Blame
They twist situations to make it seem like you’re the one causing problems. For example: You point out that the house is a mess. Your roommate throws it back at you, saying, “If you actually cleaned up after yourself, it wouldn’t be this bad!” Somehow, the messy situation becomes your fault, leaving you feeling defensive and confused.
Rewriting History
They rewrite past events to fit their narrative. For example You and your partner have a fight about something you both said. Later, they tell you, “Honestly, I don’t even remember what you’re talking about. You must be misremembering.” This tactic makes you doubt your own memory and question if the fight even happened.
Is it Gaslighting or Just a Misunderstanding?
Not every disagreement is gaslighting. Sometimes, people genuinely forget things or have different interpretations of events. However, if you constantly feel confused, unheard, and like you’re walking on eggshells around someone, it’s a red flag.
What to Do If You’re Being Gaslighted
If you suspect you’re being gaslighted, here are some tips:
Being gaslighted can be incredibly isolating and confusing. Here are some steps you can take to regain control and protect yourself:
1. Trust Your Gut
We often have a sense when something feels “off,” even if we can’t quite put our finger on it. If you have a nagging feeling that you’re being gaslighted, listen to that inner voice. It’s usually right. Don’t dismiss your intuition because someone else is trying to convince you otherwise.
2. Document Everything
Gaslighters often rely on you questioning your own memory. To combat this, start keeping a record of events. Note down dates, times, and even specific details of conversations. If possible, take screenshots of messages or emails that show the gaslighting behavior. Having a record can help you stay grounded and provide evidence if you need to confront the gaslighter or seek help.
3. Talk to Someone You Trust
Gaslighting thrives in secrecy and isolation. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about what you’re experiencing. Sharing your story can be incredibly validating and help you see the situation more clearly. Their support system can remind you that you’re not crazy and give you the strength to move forward.
4. Set Boundaries
Gaslighters often rely on constant interaction to manipulate you. If you can, limit contact with the gaslighter. This might mean taking a break from the relationship, reducing phone calls, or avoiding certain situations. Setting boundaries can be difficult, but it’s essential for your mental health.
5. Seek Professional Help
A therapist can be a powerful ally in dealing with gaslighting. They can help you develop coping mechanisms, rebuild your self-esteem, and heal from the emotional abuse. Therapy can also equip you with tools to better identify and respond to gaslighting tactics in the future. Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone.
Remember, you are not crazy. Gaslighting is a real form of abuse, and it’s important to take steps to protect yourself. By recognizing the signs and taking action, you can start to reclaim your reality and your sense of self.
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