We all know it in theory: You cannot change others. Yet, when emotions run high—when a loved one is engaging in harmful behavior, when a partner refuses to meet us halfway, or when a friend’s actions hurt us—we forget. Our logical understanding is replaced by an overwhelming urge to push, plead, or prod them to change. But here’s the hard truth: trying to force change on others not only fails but often backfires, leaving us more frustrated and stuck than before.
Why We Keep Trying
It’s human nature to feel distressed when someone else’s behavior directly impacts our lives. Maybe your spouse doesn’t help with chores, and you feel unsupported. Maybe a loved one’s destructive habits are painful to witness. It’s easy to think, If only they would change, things would be better. And so begins the cycle of pushing for change.
But stop for a moment and ask yourself: Has it worked? Has trying to control their behavior led to genuine transformation? Or has it resulted in frustration, defensiveness, and hurt feelings? More often than not, attempts to force change lead to resistance. The other person might even double down on their choices or blame you for the conflict.
At its core, this discomfort is driven by anxiety—not just about the issue itself but also about our inability to control it. The good news? This is where real growth begins—not with them, but with you.
What You Can Do Instead
Rather than fixating on the other person, start by acknowledging how their behavior affects you. Be honest with yourself about the patterns in your relationship. Are they truly willing to change, or have they shown you that this is who they are?
Once you accept that you cannot force anyone to change, you gain the freedom to take a step back and evaluate the situation objectively. Yes, this can be uncomfortable. But clarity is powerful—it helps you distinguish what you can and cannot control.
What Can You Control? Your Own Response
Your response isn’t just about what you say—it’s also about what you communicate through your actions. One of the most effective ways to shift dynamics is to model what is acceptable to you and what isn’t.
Take, for example, a recurring issue between a husband and wife. The wife frequently asks her husband to help with household chores, but he never follows through. She feels frustrated and exhausted by the endless reminders that go ignored.
Her current approach—repeating requests, expressing frustration, and ultimately doing the tasks herself—reinforces a cycle of nagging and passive resistance. Instead of pushing him to change, she could acknowledge the reality of the situation and ask herself, What are my options here?
She might decide to stick to her part of the agreement—handling the tasks she committed to—but stop picking up the slack for him. If he agreed to take out the trash and doesn’t, she might leave it rather than stepping in. While this could feel uncomfortable at first, it sends a clear message: This is what I can do, and I won’t take on what I’ve asked you to handle.
This doesn’t mean she should avoid conversation or fail to hold him accountable. She can set a boundary by calmly stating, I need to feel supported in running the household, and I can’t take on everything myself. I’ll do my share, but I won’t take on additional tasks that were agreed to be yours.
By shifting the focus to her own behavior, she avoids the exhaustion of trying to change him and, instead, shows what is acceptable to her.
Seeing People for Who They Are
When we stop focusing on someone’s potential and begin seeing them for who they truly are, we free ourselves from unrealistic expectations. Many of us project onto others the traits we wish they had—believing they will eventually become more considerate, responsible, or emotionally available.
While it’s natural to hope for the best in people, it’s crucial to recognize that what we hope for and what is are often two different things. By adopting a more objective lens, we gain flexibility in how we respond to our relationships.
Boundaries Are for You, Not for Controlling Others
Verbal and behavioral boundaries are tools to help you manage your life—not instruments to demand change from someone else. When you demonstrate through your actions what is acceptable, you might finally release yourself from the endless cycle of pushing and pleading.
This process is anxiety-provoking because it requires stepping into the unknown. Letting go of the belief that you could change someone with the right words or actions can be difficult. But true freedom lies in accepting that you can’t.
The Path Forward
If you’re feeling stuck in a frustrating relationship dynamic, try stepping away from your efforts to control or change the other person. Instead, ask yourself: What can I realistically do to take care of my well-being?
This may include:
- Setting clear boundaries and sticking to them.
- Focusing on your own behavior instead of theirs.
- Letting go of patterns fueled by anxiety and frustration.
- Making peace with the fact that some relationships may not align with your needs.
In some cases, gaining clarity about your deal breakers might even lead you to leave the relationship. If someone’s actions repeatedly violate your boundaries and you realize they are unwilling or unable to change, stepping away may be the healthiest choice.
Ultimately, you are responsible for teaching others—through your words and actions—what is acceptable to you. This isn’t an easy process, but it is one rooted in self-respect and emotional clarity. You may not be able to force change in others, but you can create a relationship with yourself that is grounded in calm, clear, and confident action.
And often, that’s where the real transformation begins.
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